Haven’t you already discovered how absurdly difficult it is to say sorry to someone? Forget for a moment those pithy makers of platitudes who come out with things like “He who says he’s sorry is the greater person”/ “You gain the world when you apologise”/ “Only when you admit your mistake can you really move on”/ “A sincere admission of regret is worth a thousand flowers”/ etc.
They’re either completely out of sync with reality, or living on a planet inhabited by Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, or are manufacturers of cards for any occasion. At the same time apologies are important, otherwise we’d end up in a world of unfeeling arrogance where other people don’t matter.
Yet . . . it’s so damned hard.
The primary difficulty of course is be unadulterated about it and not couch the apology in irony, doublespeak, controlled anger or condescension. But even if you somehow manage to pull off the impossible and feel genuine regret and repentance from the core of your heart, there’s still the creepy other party to contend with — especially because you don’t know what his or her reaction will be. This is easily the most scary part.
For instance, they could get back with annoyance (“Saying sorry is not going to get us the contract again”); hurt (“Do you even know what you’re sorry about?”); sarcasm (“So I suppose everything gets back to normal now!”); disdain (“Forget it, it doesn’t bother me any more”); anger (“Is that going to pay for the repair bill?”); or a plain and simple snub (“I’m sorry but your sorry is unacceptable”).
Under such dismal circumstances is it understandable why people don’t opt to apologise in a hurry? For one thing, they think things will somehow work out and maybe people will forget and perhaps the damage will get undone and — who knows? — life might go on as before.
But it doesn’t.
Alcoholics on the Anonymous programme know this best. Points #8 and #9 of the AA’s well known 12-point agenda for rehabilitation states: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all;” and “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
However, it’s only after having lost family, friends, businesses, jobs, social esteem and a good part of their livers have such people realised that apologising is a daunting one-way street where driving in reverse doesn’t help.
(This piece first appeared in The Economic Times)